this past week, i took a 3 day roadtrip to one of my friends’ universities. before i left, i asked my mom if i could have a little bit of money for food for the trip. i was expecting a $10 bill. maybe a $20. she left me $60. and i broke down. $60…why did i deserve that? $60…what am i going to buy in 3 days with $60 in a world where i am used to a meal costing 30 baht, which is less than 1 US dollar?
and it started there…
that made me think. it made me think about the comment my dad made the other day about our family not being wealthy. he didn’t mean anything bad by it. by american standards, we aren’t. but it killed me. because compared to what i have seen, compared to what’s become my normal, compared the the whole entire rest of the world, we are so wealthy. so wealthy it’s sickening.
and then that video that’s been all over the web lately. you know, the africans repeating our “first world problems.” i can’t handle it. i just can’t handle it.
and then i heard those words on the radio today… about how there won’t be snow in africa this christmas…the greatest gift they’ll get this year is life…where nothing ever grows, no rain nor river flows…do they know it’s christmas time at all?
and i lost it even more. because it’s true. it’s real. and i’ve been wrecked. i’ve lived their lives and i know their names. there aren’t just statistics living in a far away continent anymore. they’re my friends and my family. i love them. and they are hurting. and here i am.
here i am trying to enjoy this season. trying to enjoy all these luxuries that i cannot even imagine needing. trying so hard to be thankful and happy and joyful and alive. but it’s so hard. it’s something you really can’t explain or understand unless you’ve experienced it. but it’s so hard.
it’s so hard to have seen and to know, but to not be able to be there. it’s so hard to have your precious babies being beaten every day and every night, knowing they probably won’t have a bite to eat on christmas, and to be here, with all that we have, unable to do anything about them.
it’s so hard to have some of your closest friends being bought for sex every night against their wills, with no other option, but to be here, unable to offer no more than a prayer and a facebook message.
it’s so hard to know the pain and the oppression and the battle going on all over the world, and to be in a country so entangled in consumerism and christmas lights where jesus is never mentioned as more than just a nice thought.
it’s hard when that miley cyrus video everyone’s all worked up about actually makes you cry because you only see how broken and crying out for help she actually is.
it’s hard when your friends are inviting demonic spirits into a room because they’re curious, while you spend your time casting them out of places because you can see them everywhere you go.
it’s hard when you’re more comfortable befriending that elderly homeless guy on the street corner than a girl your age on a college campus.
it’s hard listening to talk of candy crush, justin bieber, and duck dynasty 24/7/365. it’s just hard.
it’s hard to enjoy such a shallow life when you’ve experienced so much depth. it’s hard to see the gods people worship here when you know so intimately the living king. it’s hard to watch people i love limit jesus’ power day after day, minute after minute. christmas time in america, for me, now, is just plain hard. i feel out of place, like i don’t belong here, and like i’m unable to enjoy all of my old favorite things. and it sucks. it sucks so much.
but…here’s the but.
it’s also good. as hard as it is…it’s so good. because through all this hard, the lord’s teaching me to trust him on a whole new level. i can live the hard…that’s not hard. but giving him complete control over the hard…that’s hard. so he’s taken me out of the physically hard. and put me in this new hard. to teach me to truly trust that he’s there, every second, even when i can see nothing. to trust that he’s got everything i don’t. because i can’t. i have no proof. i don’t know anything about what he is doing. but i know him. so i can have complete faith.
i can know he’s got my babies in the squatter camps of africa. and he’s got my friends under that bridge by the beach. he’s with my girls in the red light districts every single second. and he’s got all the families in the slums of honduras. he’s holding the hand of every heart i’ve ever fallen in love with around the world. and he’s also proving to me that he’s moving here.
christmas isn’t about santa or presents or lights or snow. and in my opinion, the people without those distractions are the lucky ones. because they don’t need that. and we don’t need that. all any of us need is him. he’s there. and he’s here. he’s so here. he’s jealous for hearts. he’s fighting for souls. he’s winning the battle. and sometimes the ride is hard. but always it’s so so so good.
Abby….you have an amazing gift of hitting the point stop on! Seriously. I haven’t even been able to express how living in America feels ever since Immersion, but these words encompass everything that I feel every single day. Thank you for continuing to inspire me through the words that you write and seeing the way you live your life. Love you girl!
Abby, your posts always stop me dead in my tracks and make me examine my own heart, my motives, my perspective on life. Thanks for always keepin’ it real, you inspire me and give me hope on so many levels.