4/30/13
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not everyone else. Sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I’m not burned out, it’s OK that other people are. Sometimes I have to remind myself that just because I’m made for this, (literally, forever,) not everyone is. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am not everyone else. And that what I can do with my time is not the case for everyone else and that my convictions are not everyone else’s. It’s weird never being tired of this life when everyone else is. It’s weird knowing that this is what I’m supposed to do. Forever. This. Not some sort of “mission work” somewhere. Not ministry in the states. Not something sort of normal or comfortable. This. It’s weird when that’s not where everyone else is. Cuz I’m so used to them all getting me, but it’s weird that they’re not all called to overseas missions forever. It’s OK. It's good. But it's weird. Everything is weird. No one at home even knows me any more. I’m a completely new, different person now from who I was at home. My family here is who knows and gets me. They are the only ones who know and get me at the current moment. And I'm not ready to have to leave them and have to start all over again…
The other night, I wrote that in my journal. And then Jesus said, “Go get your Honduras journal and open it.” So I did. I opened it to a random page and started reading. And this is what I read:
10/30/12
Some people here say they could never go back home after being here and seeing how life is here. I still could and really want to go back. Is that bad? God, I’m just gonna put it all out there with You. I am glad that I am here. I’m thankful for this experience, but I’ll be real glad and thankful when it’s over. I’ll be ready and excited to go home. So ready and excited. I would never want to live this life forever. I want to always be a missionary where you place me, but I also really don’t want to have to let go of America forever. These 9 months will be good. And they will give me a different perspective. But I want control of my life back after this is over. God, I miss all things American right now. Literally, everything. And everyone. As I sit in our girls’ room, I’m just thinking. I’m living in community 24/7, but I don’t have near as good of a community as I do at home. Everyone at home already knew me. I don’t wanna have to go through all of that with these new people. They’re just not like me.
You see what Jesus did there?
He took what I thought I knew and wanted and He completely, absolutely, undeniably changed it to the exact opposite.
He took a version of me who wanted so badly to be a normal missionary in the states and turned her into a version who would never settle within a thousand miles of anything with ‘normal’ in the name.
He took a version of me who was so obsessed with her life back home and gave her an even better life in a new home.
He pulled me right away from my ideal community at home, and forced me to fall in love with this other community, which has been better than anything I could have ever imagined.
He absolutely wrecked my life and all my plans.
I'm fairly certain I'm never going to live in the United States for more than a year at a time.
He's told me I'm not going to do "normal" ministry (whatever that even is).
And I know I'm never going to have control over any of this.
HE IS SO GOOD!
Because He knows better than us!
6 months ago, I wanted to be normal.
6 months ago, I wanted to go back to the states.
6 months ago, I thought when I went home, I would go back to college and get a job and the list goes on and on and on.
6 months ago, I just wanted my comfortable, normal life back.
Now, no way.
Now, I have seen angels.
Now, I have witnessed healings.
Now, I have experiecned Jesus.
And I have fallen in love with Him.
He has changed my heart.
And everything that I wanted back then, is exactly the opposite of what I want now.
He has turned my heart into His.
And my life from this point on…is never going to look the same.
A lot can happen in 6 months 🙂
