ever since i can remember, i have trained myself to run from responsibility.
anything, anywhere, anyone that could possibly push me into any type of a grown up position,
i wouldn’t go within a 100 mile radius of.
and here’s why:
in my mind…
grown up = responsible.
responsible = mature.
and mature = boring.
[or so that’s what i thought…for the longest time.]
i grew up with very traditional parents,
in a very traditional setting.
my childhood was super normal.
and don’t get me wrong, it was good, and i can’t imagine having it any other way,
but it definitely did skew my view of growing up.
because when you grow up with two parents with 9-5 jobs, growing up means getting a 9-5.
when your mom drives carpool and listens to oldies and cooks dinner every night for an ungrateful family,
you think that your grown up life is going to look like that.
and when your parents have never lived anywhere other than where they were born,
and do the same things day after day, year after year, and have never taken a single risk in their lives,
you begin to think that that’s what growing up is,
and what it looks like,
and i never wanted any part of that.
therefore, i spent about the past 10 years of my life in some sort of rebellious runaway 14 year old stage,
where i ran from responsibility and acted as immature as possible.
and mostly, it was pretty great.
somewhere in the middle of this little running process, i stumbled into love with jesus.
he messed me up real good and yanked me all around the world with him last year.
and one big thing he begin to deal with in me was this huge fear i had of growing up.
he began to tell me things about my future that terrified me,
things that forced me to bring all this running to a surface stop,
and to confront what he wanted to do with my life.
and you know what i found out?
he didn’t actually want to turn me into a
mature, boring, schedule-keeping, mom-jean wearing, carpool driving, suburb-living, grown up.
huge relief.
but the tricky part was this:
he was still calling me to grow up.
and i couldn’t comprehend how that could look any different.
this past summer, he called me to miami, where i no longer had a community,
where i no longer knew anyone,
where he put me in charge of twenty 7 and 8 year olds,
at a christian children’s home,
all day, every day.
they were my responsibility.
so i had to become responsible.
and i did.
and i hated it.
and i thought i had learned my lesson.
he wanted to teach me responsibility, and he did, and he was finished.
right?
wrong.
because as soon as i started to think he was done, was exactly when he made it clear as day that i had to go back to thailand on missions,
as a leader.
and that’s where i’m at right now.
i’ve been here about a month and the ways he has grown and stretched me have been ridiculous.
and as i sat there the other night,
on a candlelit dinner date with a 53 year old australian man and two of my 18 year old girls,
it really finally hit me…
i’m a grown up.
this dude couldn’t stop talking about about his 23, 26, and 28 year old kids who live with him.
and i couldn’t stop thinking of my 20 something year old friends living on their college campuses.
and jesus couldn’t stop talking about me,
“look what i’m doing,” he said,
“look what i’m making you. you’re a grown ass grown up.”
and i sat there,
and i laughed.
hard.
1. because he said ass.
and 2. because he was right.
here i am,
the same me who would have never dreamt about doing half of the things i’m now doing,
and not only am i doing them,
but i’m doing them with 7 teenage girls under me.
me, who was scared out of my mind to be responsible for myself,
is now responsible for 7 other growing and precious lives.
and somehow,
it doesn’t suck.
somehow,
i’m ok with it.
somehow,
i think i actually like it.
maybe it’s because i don’t have to wear mom-jeans and sit at a desk all day,
but that’s the thing.
that’s what jesus has been teaching me.
sometimes growing up looks like finishing college and getting a job and driving a nice car and living in america,
but more often, jesus just wants to grow up our character.
to grow us into people who are capable of taking care of others.
i’m learning that he’s a whole lot less concerned about our earthly maturity than he is our spiritual maturity.
that his aim in growing us up isn’t to force us to lose everything fun and exciting and free,
but to teach us how to use all of that for his purposes instead of for our own selfishness.
the point isn’t to make us boring,
the point is to make us more suited laborers for the kingdom.
and trust me,
kingdom workers are anything but boring.
that is what he is teaching me.
i’m not perfect at it,
i’m not even really a little bit good at it at all,
and it’s taken me forever to finally even begin to catch on,
but he has grace,
and his grace is sufficient,
and if he thinks i’m worth growing into some responsible, mature, grown-up of a person,
for his reasons,
i aint about to run from it no more.
