i never thought i would write this blog.
for 2 reasons.
1.) because i never thought i would get over my eating disorder.
2.) because no matter what, i never wanted anyone to know about it. ever.
well, so much for that.
as you probably know, i just got back form a 9 month long mission trip.
i lived in honduras. i lived in thailand. and i lived in south africa.
i loved on street kids, homeless people, orphans, and prostitutes.
i learned how to love with a love that's not mine.
i learned how to be loved even though i didn't think i deserved it.
i learned how big God is.
and how to listen to His voice.
i fell in love with my Savior.
i fell into a dependency on my Savior.
i grew in faith.
and i grew in trust.
oh, and one more thing.
i gained 40 pounds.
40 POUNDS.
now, that's a lot of pounds.
for anyone.
but especially for someone who used to be anorexic.
let's go back.
to before this trip.
i was one hot mess.
i hated myself.
i cried myself to sleep most nights.
and i never thought i was good enough.
never.
no matter what.
i barely ate.
and when i did, i felt terrible.
i ran about 10 miles a day.
it was pure torture.
no one knew.
i was super alone.
and then God called me on this trip.
so i agreed.
[best. decision. ever.]
and that's where the healing began.
in honduras, i hid everything.
i was a good little girl with no problems whatsoever.
i mean, that's what i wanted everyone to think.
[and i did a good job of faking it.]
in thailand, i started to talk about it.
i lost.
team won.
and i got free.
and in south africa, i started to believe it.
i walked in my freedom.
and it was awesome.
and yesterday, i came home.
i was not planning on stepping on the scale.
not for a long time after i'd been back.
i knew i had gained weight and i was sure it wouldn't be good for me to know how much.
and then Jesus gave me permission.
"you can step on there if you want."
"it doesn't have power over you anymore."
and so i did.
reluctantly.
and there were the 40 pounds.
and do you know what i did?
i smiled.
actually, i laughed.
because Jesus is funny.
because God is good.
because i knew i was beautiful.
despite a number.
because i have Jesus in me.
and He shines brighter.
today, i didn't starve myself.
i didn't even hate myself when i couldn't run 2 miles.
and i actually believed that i was beautiful.
it's all Jesus' fault.
if you would have told me before this trip that i would gain 40 pounds, i can almost guarantee you that i wouldn't have gone.
but now, you could tell me and i would go again and again and again and again.
40 pounds is a lot.
and it was so worth it.
because it taught me
[the hard way,]
that my identity is in Christ.
and for the first time, i am not saying that so i believe it.
i am saying it because i believe it.
