I’m really good at covering things up in real life.

If I’m having a bad day, you won’t know it.

If you ask me how I am, the answer’s always, “Good.”

But in writing, something’s different.

And I can’t help but be extremely honest.

So I hope you guys dig a lot of honesty over the next 8 months.

So I’ll start by saying this: This week has been EXTREMELY difficult for me.

As much as I don’t want to admit this to you guys at home, it has.

I’ve either cried or wanted to cry every single day.

I’ve wanted to come home nearly every single second.

I’ve felt useless. And bored. And lots of other things I’ve felt like I shouldn’t feel on a mission trip.

I’ve questioned if this is really where God wants me.

I’ve missed every single person and every single thing about my life in the US.

Even the people and things I swore I’d NEVER miss.

And as I type this up, I want to come home.

I want to come home SO badly.

I want to say that I want nothing more.

But there is one thing that I want to want more.

I want to want God more.

As I journaled this morning, I asked Him, “Why is it that I want to go home so badly? Is it Satan? Or is it You? Could it be Your will for me? Or maybe you're trying to teach me something? 

And I heard God saying,

“When you have nothing but Me…Am I enough?”

And I ignored Him. Cuz that was just my mind talkin’, right?

And then the wind blew my Bible opened. Blew it right opened to Psalm 62.

“I am at rest in God alone.”

“Rest in God alone, my soul.”

“Trust in Him at all times.”

“Pour out your heart before Him.”

Well, I thought, I’ve already been doing that last one pretty well.

And I think I’ve been trusting Him alright too.

But have I been resting in Him alone?

Not at all.

Here’s where my rest has been and wants to be right now:

·      My family

·      My friends

·      School

·      A consistent schedule

·      Eating normal food

·      Showering and wearing clean clothes

·      Being busy

·      Working out

·      Doing things and going places by myself

·      Being in control of my own time

·      College ministry (CRU)

·      Church

·      Comfort

·      Dry shoes that don’t smell and aren’t covered in mud

·      Clean water to drink

·      Access to doctors and dentists

·      My car

·      Art

·      Sports

·      Those who mentor me

·      Those who I mentor

·      Real toilets

·      4 normal seasons

·      My house, room, and bed

·      Warmth

·      Independence

(The list goes on and on…)

Here’s where my rest needs to be:

·      God ALONE

“When you have nothing but Me…Am I enough?”

And now I’m convicted.

Because I realize that now, and for these next 8 months, He IS all I have.

And to put it bluntly, so far, He hasn’t been enough.

I never realized how many other “gods” I had in my life. I never saw these things getting in the way of Him. But now that I don’t have them to rely on or turn to…and ALL I have is HIM, I can see it clearly. They have been playing much too big a part. A part that is really ALL HIS.

So, if this trip is about nothing else for me, it is going to be about learning how to live with nothing else but God. And learning that He, alone, is enough.  

Please pray for me in this regard as the weeks go on.

I am sure it will be an ongoing process.

I know that I will want to come home often.

But I also know that I am not going to.

For some crazy reason that is beyond my understanding, God wants me here.

He wants to show me that He, alone, is enough.

I’ve heard the saying before:

If all you have is God, you have all you need.

But now He wants to prove it to me in my life.

And I have no other choice but to be on board.