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I’m really good at covering things up in real life.
If I’m having a bad day, you won’t know it.
If you ask me how I am, the answer’s always, “Good.”
But in writing, something’s different.
And I can’t help but be extremely honest.
So I hope you guys dig a lot of honesty over the next 8 months.
 
So I’ll start by saying this: This week has been EXTREMELY difficult for me.
 
As much as I don’t want to admit this to you guys at home, it has.
I’ve either cried or wanted to cry every single day.
I’ve wanted to come home nearly every single second.
I’ve felt useless. And bored. And lots of other things I’ve felt like I shouldn’t feel on a mission trip.
I’ve questioned if this is really where God wants me.
I’ve missed every single person and every single thing about my life in the US.
Even the people and things I swore I’d NEVER miss.
And as I type this up, I want to come home.
I want to come home SO badly.
I want to say that I want nothing more.
 
But there is one thing that I want to want more.
 
I want to want God more.
 
As I journaled this morning, I asked Him, “Why is it that I want to go home so badly? Is it Satan? Or is it You? Could it be Your will for me? Or maybe you're trying to teach me something? 
 
And I heard God saying,
 
“When you have nothing but Me…Am I enough?”
 
And I ignored Him. Cuz that was just my mind talkin’, right?
 
And then the wind blew my Bible opened. Blew it right opened to Psalm 62.
 
“I am at rest in God alone.”
“Rest in God alone, my soul.”
“Trust in Him at all times.”
“Pour out your heart before Him.”
 
Well, I thought, I’ve already been doing that last one pretty well.
And I think I’ve been trusting Him alright too.
 
But have I been resting in Him alone?
 
Not at all.
 
Here’s where my rest has been and wants to be right now:
·      My family
·      My friends
·      School
·      A consistent schedule
·      Eating normal food
·      Showering and wearing clean clothes
·      Being busy
·      Working out
·      Doing things and going places by myself
·      Being in control of my own time
·      College ministry (CRU)
·      Church
·      Comfort
·      Dry shoes that don’t smell and aren’t covered in mud
·      Clean water to drink
·      Access to doctors and dentists
·      My car
·      Art
·      Sports
·      Those who mentor me
·      Those who I mentor
·      Real toilets
·      4 normal seasons
·      My house, room, and bed
·      Warmth
·      Independence
(The list goes on and on…)
 
Here’s where my rest needs to be:
·      God ALONE
 
“When you have nothing but Me…Am I enough?”
 
And now I’m convicted.
 
Because I realize that now, and for these next 8 months, He IS all I have.
And to put it bluntly, so far, He hasn’t been enough.
 
I never realized how many other “gods” I had in my life. I never saw these things getting in the way of Him. But now that I don’t have them to rely on or turn to…and ALL I have is HIM, I can see it clearly. They have been playing much too big a part. A part that is really ALL HIS.
 
So, if this trip is about nothing else for me, it is going to be about learning how to live with nothing else but God. And learning that He, alone, is enough.  
 
Please pray for me in this regard as the weeks go on.
I am sure it will be an ongoing process.
I know that I will want to come home often.
But I also know that I am not going to.
For some crazy reason that is beyond my understanding, God wants me here.
He wants to show me that He, alone, is enough.
 
I’ve heard the saying before:
 
If all you have is God, you have all you need.
 
But now He wants to prove it to me in my life.
And I have no other choice but to be on board.

5 responses to ““When you have nothing but Me, am I enough?””

  1. Dear Abby,
    I love you so much. I want you to know that we are all thinking about you every single day and praying for you. Your writings have really touched me. I feel for you and want so much to hug you and to let you know that I care. It is hard not to be able to talk to you. I wish that I had not had to miss your skype opportunity on Friday. Thank you for your message to Dad and me. We went to Grandma Dorothy’s house tonight and shared your pictures and blogs with her and Grandpa. They want you to know that they are thinking about you and praying for you too. They love you very much.
    There is so much I wish we could talk about, but first of all I want you to know again that I am proud of you. You are so courageous to have taken this trip. I admire your willingness to surrender yourself to God. I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be giving up so many things that we all take for granted. What you said is so true: He alone is enough. He is truly all we need. I will pray that He will fill up that loneliness and longing in your heart with his infinite love and fullness. Thank you for your honesty in describing so well how you are feeling. It helps us to know and to relate to your experience. The psalm that you quoted reminded me of the famous quote from St. Augustine which says, “My heart is restless, Oh Lord, until it rests in you.” God alone can satisfy our desires. We do not truly rest until we rest in Him.
    There are so many things that remind me of you. I bought bananas for the first time since you’ve been gone and Honey Crisp apples! Will said that he prayed the Rosary at school for you last week. We are all thinking of you everyday. I’ve been singing “Abby’s Taking a Walk Today” and Dad tried to put “You’ve Got a Friend” on UTube but our computer speakers aren’t working.
    Good night my sweet Abby. I love you so much. You are in my heart tonight and always. Love, Mom

  2. Abby my pretty girl. It must be so hard being away from everything you know, everyone you love, and tryng to do your best. I’ve been prayng for you every night and I’ll keep doing it. You forget something there my lovely sister, it’s okay to feel insecure, it’s okay to need some time to adjust to new things because you’re human, and we humans aren pretty sensitive creatures, and HE knows it. He made us all pretty girl, and He’s there for you while you cry, while you miss, he’s holding your hand and is proud of you for being such a strong girl.
    I might not be there with you, but my heart, my soul and my prayers are. And do you know why you need the people that love you? Because we are part of Him, we’re his children and he gave us friends and families so we could all love and see how wonderful it is to share love. He loves us all, and if his heart is big enough why wouldn’t ours be?
    I love you, and sorry I couldn’t comment before, it wasn’t working.

  3. Hello Abby. I am so happy I read this. It has helped me understand you a little more. These things you say, all of it makes me so happy. Now happy you may ask? Why would I be happy to see you going through dispair and grief? Well it is better to be in the house of sorrow versus the house of mirth and laughter. Your words excite me, because what they show is that you have humbled your heart, or begun to, and you are becoming a beautiful woman of god and not just another pretty face of this world. A woman that the Lord finds great pleasure in. You wanting to take this trip in the first place spoke volumes about yourself. However, I suspect you did not expect or know you would feel this way until it was too late. Often we do not realise how far from pleasing god that we really are in our lives. we recite a few lines of scripture and say a prayer and a nice word or two. However we are not truly focused on Wwjd all day, Only when we find it convienent. We are living for pleasing ourselves, and others, and leaving god on the backburner. I know, If you continue to pray, read, read some more, pray some more, and share love to those less fortunate then yourself. you will find your self at home whereever you are. because god and his son are right there with you every step of the way. Please keep writing lile this. this is beautiful. and brought a tear to my eye when you recited the psalms passage. because gods love is something to cry for, its so powerful, and it never loses its integrity and is eternal. unlike the love of man. you cannot trust man and man is finite versus the infinite god. Much love and support to you Abby!!!!!

  4. Abby,
    Man wow! that is all I can say right now. You know it is been strange going to school and not knowing that you are there. But I do know this. Where you are right now you are doing what God has called you to do. I was thinking how God provided all your money and then some. Then how excited you where when we prayed in my house 3 days before you left. God is Good you tell me that all the time. Rejoice in the Lord at all times and again I say rejoice. warship God even if it is I love you God or Thank you. You know reading what you have put up so far has encouraged me to dive in and know God more. So much has happened in these passed few mouths but reading what you have has made me so happy. I have a greater understanding of God and how much he loves me. You can do all things though Christ who gives you strength. I am praying and thanking God for what he has done for you and what he is going to do. Remember when Paul wrote to the Church and encouraged them. I pray that God just comes in and comforts you in this time. A little kiss from him. we love you and can’t wait till hear all about it.I love you and so does my mom.

  5. We all miss you too, Abby. I’ve been thinking about you everyday, and saying prayers for you that you stay safe. I know that you believe that this is what God wants for you. God has also given you friends and family here who love and support you no matter what you decide to do. If you decide to come back early, we would support that as well. There are many ways that you can share God’s love with those who are in need here at home as well as those in other countries. You need to follow your heart and do what you believe is God’s calling for you, but don’t feel that you have to stay if, after prayer, you feel that you need to come home. We will always support you no matter what you do, just as we always have. I love you, and will continue to pray for you. Love, Aunt Lisa